the year is coming to an end

Thursday, October 13, 2011, is exactly one year after I was diagnosed with diabetes. I am tearing up as I write this as the emotions flood back from the last 365 days. It feels like it's been so much longer than that, but it's not. I really don't even know what to write at this point. I just know now that I can survive with this disease. I still ask the questions "why me?" "why now?" and "why this" all the time, but I know my Father in Heaven has a beautiful plan through this pain.

I went to Lubbock this past weekend and enjoyed some much needed friend/social time after the many hours spent at work the last few months. But the most wonderful part about being in Lubbock was going to my church there. Some friends of mine (and fellow bloggers) made a video talking about their recent pain to introduce a song we sang on Sunday. The song is called Forever Reign. Since Sunday, I have listened to the song over and over and over. It is just a wonderful reminder that He is good, love, light, hope, peace, true, joy, life, more, Lord, here, and God.  No matter what season of life I am in, He is continuously ALL of those things. It has been far from easy the last 365 days, but I know He has carried me through the pain, fear, and anger.

On Sunday, we also had the privilege of hearing the Lord through Steve Grant, the chaplain for the Red Raider football team. He said some very convicting things that made me realize how selfish I have been the last few weeks. The Lord is trying to pull me away from everything so that I can begin to recognize His voice in the midst of all the other things drawing my attention. All I have been doing is fighting the feeling of lonesomeness by filling my time with other things so that I can continue to run from his voice.

The bridge in Forever Reign states, "My heart will sing, No other name, Jesus, Jesus" but the only part I would listen to was the verse where God is everything for ME. I would continue to forget my part, that I am to call on ONLY Jesus. My prayer going forward as year 2 begins is that my focus is not "poor me, I have diabetes" but that "my heart will sing no other name but Jesus."

I am so thankful that my life belongs to Him.

The dark before the dawn

Teaching a a very difficult job. You can plan what you think is going to be the best lesson, and it ends up falling flat. You also depend on your students to be successful to prove that you are doing your job. You must contact parents that may or may not care about their student's achievement. And you come home with loads of papers to grade. It's tough. I love it, but it's tough.

The last couple weeks have been daunting, draining, and lonely. I have been overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Last week, my principal informed me that I have been appointed team leader for math models. It adds more work to my already full load, and I wish they had told me sooner that I had acquired a new role. Yes, it is a blessing that so soon they have noticed my God given ability to teach children, but it will definitely be more work.

I have been feeling somewhat depressed because of my diabetes. I think my understanding of my disease is changing. It's no longer new; now it's something that I will have for the rest of my life. Yes, I have all this new technology (which is awesome), but it is still a disease that I have to manage.

My attitude has been all wrong through this situation. I have been so depressed and helpless that every time I see my Bible, I don't want to pick it up and turn to the only person who can really lead me through my problems.

Then Friday morning, the Lord provided me with some encouragement to help me through my struggles. Chelsea brought me a Homecoming mum to thank me for all my help I have given her over the last few weeks and to help me feel better after my couple rough weeks. Friday afternoon came along and I met with my appraiser, she told me that I was doing a good job from what she could tell in my walk-through (even though my kids were testing).  She also informed me that my commitment card from our faculty meeting was one of the best ones. The Lord just reminded me that He has given me this gift to relate to teenagers and teach them math but more importantly about His love for us. Taking a step back to look at why I am really here brings a little perspective to my recent struggles.

SO thankful that my life belongs to Him

being thankful...in everything

It's amazing the things we take for granted. electricity, A/C, food, clothes, health, family, friends. I have all of these things yet still we find so much to complain about. Reflecting on the past week/day has made me aware of the things I am thankful for today.

I am thankful for:

1. My disease. I have a disease that God is going to use for a purpose. Not sure what that is yet...
2. My job. I have a job. A lot of people cannot say that. It's a struggle and tiring, but it is so rewarding when you hear kids talk about math (and not totally hate it)
3. Good instruction manuals. For my insulin pump. so that I don't screw it up. (I have changed it twice now BY MYSELF!)
4. My family. Claire made volleyball. I got to see Chris in his element at work today. I talked to my daddy (he is far away so this is a big deal) yesterday so he could help me decide on insurance. I am able to talk to my mom all the time just because.
5. My kids. They told me today that I am culturally aware because we talked about learning how to duggie and The Lazy Song. haha
6. My pump. It syncs with my computer, my glucometer, and I only have to change it every 3 days.
7. Friday night. It's the night I go to bed the earliest. :) haha you have no idea how cool I am!
8. Laughter. My kids make me laugh all the time. I could be having the worst day and one of them makes me laugh, and it all turns around.
9. My friends...new and old. All the new teachers I have met the last few weeks are fabulous and it's nice to work with people closer to my age. Even though I don't get to see/talk to my old friends as often due to college, law school, and life it's ok because I know they are just a phone call away if I want to chat.
10. My Savior. He died for me so that I could have a renewed life through Him. His grace, mercy, and love I cannot fathom, and for that I am the most thankful. My God is way bigger than me (or anything I can imagine) and that's exactly the way it should be.

What could we possibly complain about? Seriously with a list like that. I have everything I could ever want and more. I am most thankful my life belongs to HIM!

Is this too much?

All the things going on in my life...

1. First day of school is Monday...lots to do in my classroom/ getting ready for first day and week stuff
2. My pump was connected today! But I have no idea what I am doing
3. I have to decide on insurance, and I have no idea because I'm diseased. lol

Ok so it's really not that much, but it's a couple huge things.

I continue asking myself:

• Can I handle all of this?
• Why did I decide to do all of this right now?
• Am I going to make it to next Friday?
• Will my kids like/respect me?
• How am I going to finish everything in time?

Basically, I don't have a lot of control over my disease, when school starts, where I found a job, or really anything in my life. As much as I don't like not having control, I know its good for me. I know my Father in Heaven is giving me things way out of my control to challenge and force me to grow closer to Him through life's craziness. 

So my question...is this too much? Of course it is by myself. But I am NOT ALONE! Sometimes we just need the reminder that we aren't alone. He is always with us. We can hand Him the reins, and He will take them to use you for His glory. Easy? No. Scary? Yes. Challenging? Yes. Worth it? Totally! 

I am so thankful my life belongs to Him. What a mess I would be without Him redeeming me and using me for His precious perfect plan. :)

classroom update! (year 2)

It's coming together...slowly. hopefully it will all be ready for Monday! Wow that's soon...

Anywho... here are some more pictures :) I am so thankful my life belongs to Him. I would not survive this without Him.

I bought algebra words for this wall :)

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PART OF MY CLASSROOM!!! It's adorable!

The poster on the left says "what to say instead of i don't know" LOVE this! you would not believe how many times I got idk on tests (multiple choice tests at that) lol

This wall needs some help, but it will get there I promise.